The (last) HOT stand: beauty work and the changing body

EFF newsletter #11

(content warnings: sharing a photo of myself when I was younger and in a smaller body, mention of disordered behaviour, discussing body changes in detail)

Over the weekend I turned 34.

Birthdays have always been reflective of the way I see life. In my early 20s, looking hot was everything.

Even if I was insecure. Even if my confidence was dependent on what I had eaten and if I’d worked out enough. Even if I knew that I wasn’t the ‘hottest’ on the desirability ladder.

There was a constant sense of not-enoughness and lack of felt love in my life, so external validation became more urgent. Looking hot and feeling desirable were connected to feeling seen and wanted. And yes, even by friends. It wasn’t just about sexual attraction, but if I could present myself as ‘hot enough’, people felt I was worthy enough to hang out with.

Of course it’s only subjective, but I know the reverse is true. Because when my size changed, old friends distanced themselves from me. The chasms grew - from size, to finances, to decisions around being child-free. And where diet talk started to seep into the conversation to fill the silent gaps, I wanted to opt out.

I am not allowed to defend my body because according to those who hold weight stigma, I have no credibility over my own body and life.

Fatness is not the only change my body has gone through. I am getting older, I am chronically ill and my hair has lost it’s fullness and has started to fall out. I can see the wrinkles form in the places where I didn’t use enough sunscreen when I was younger - on my hands and neck. My face is rounder, I have a double chin. When I smile, my upper lip disappears. I’ve grown more facial hair.

Maybe you are outraged reading this, how dare you talk about yourself like that. But it depends on the underlying assumptions, because I have not written about whether these changes are negative or positive.

Bodies change, bodies will always change. Do I fall deeper into the changes and try to remain neutral? Do I try to embrace the changes even though I know they make me less desirable via the public gaze? Do I cling onto ways that I can mould myself into a younger or different version that might be more desirable?

BEAUTY WORK

Beauty work isn’t just done by those in the beauty industry, for most of us, especially those gendered as women, beauty work becomes an integral part of our life - sometimes only engaging with the supposed basics like skincare (check out Jessica DeFino’s work on criticising beauty culture). But we know we could always be doing more. I could get fillers, I could get non-invasive surgery to ‘balance’ my face, I could get IPL for my unwanted hair growth. And since I don’t have money for any of these, I could give up on all of my dreams like going back to Uni or travel to only chase beauty.

When I was younger, my beauty work around my birthday (outside of dieting) consisted of getting a haircut the day before, then my make-up done at a counter (so I could buy make-up). The outfit was essential and my past dresses are ingrained in my mind including this red dupion silk dress below that was custom made for my 21st (from memory, it cost around 250 Australian dollars at the time). I never wore high fashion, instead I would go to local boutiques or find independent designers online (and yes back then I did buy fast fashion). But these ‘birthday’ purchases would be the most extravagant of the year.

Getting my make-up done for my 21st

Suffice to say, I put a lot of pressure on myself to participate in the beauty work surrounding birthdays. And then something changed.