The pea that keeps escaping — tired life updates + Osaka outfits
kind-of-a-break week (need a new name for these!)
Every few weeks I send out a slightly different newsletter that focuses on creative rhythms, mental health and life updates. Lots of photos, it might cut off in your email, please read in the app or browser.
I know you might be tired hearing about the election, you might be frightened, angry, frustrated. I wrote this before the election results and I wanted to say that my heart is with the American people. This newsletter doesn’t mention the election further, but it seems strange not to address it. To just pretend that everything is normal in the world when things are not.
This afternoon I made a lentil and pea pie with a potato topping. If you’re an organised and good cook, you may need to skip the next couple of paragraphs because you’ll be shocked at my haphazard cooking methods.
I’m a messy and impatient cook. Anything that takes longer than 15 minutes to prepare, I probably won’t make. I prefer quick one-pan meals, that taste decent enough. I like canned and frozen ingredients, I will take any short-cut possible that makes cooking quicker.
When I was cooking the pie mixture on the stovetop, I accidentally added too much water. Then I scoured through the cupboards and realised that I had no cornflour. Or even plain flour. I decided to empty the pans contents into another dish so I could reduce the sauce so my pie wouldn’t be total soup (spoiler alert, it was too liquid-y but luckily still delicious).
As I was transferring it, a pea fell onto the kitchen floor. I quickly picked it up and then as I was about to put it in the bin, it slipped through my hands and rolled under the sofa.
Lately life has felt like that pea trying to get away, one thing after another. I’ve been bobbing along the surface, constantly sleepy and achy. I’ve been overcommitted, sleep-deprived and low energy whilst dealing with chronic illness flare ups and heading to medical appointments (for myself and for my partner). There have been so many days where I’ve just wanted to crawl under the covers and rest.
I’ve been struggling to finish a book. I’ve been heading off early when I go into the pottery studio so I can get home earlier. I’ve been running late because I’m desperate for more shut-eye in the mornings. And yes I’m acutely aware of my privilege, because there were times in my life where rest was not an option.
I’ve always struggled with the feeling of not doing enough. Especially with social media. Seeing the aesthetic lives of others, with shiny homes with carefully picked out furniture. Seeing outfits day in, day out and people constantly in the state of ‘doing’ while feeling like I’m losing the opportunity to experiment with my wardrobe. There’s this sense of creator guilt. If all my updates were “I did nothing but eat and sleep” — I think it might be quite boring.
However, I think right now, most people are tired. Especially with the constant news overload. And the secondary feelings of guilt or shame that we can’t keep up with it all. There are limitations to individual self-care, but I forget that sometimes. I internalise all the bad feelings from not doing enough, when it’s often a collective issue that’s been glazed over by social media. So many of us are struggling with similar feelings, but in silo.
And I know social media only gives us glimpses into other people’s lives and not necessarily the whole story, but it’s impossible to not compare.
I went to Osaka again recently. Usually even if I’m tired, the excitement of a trip perks me up and I temporarily have energy. This time, that didn’t happen.
I had planned to go to Mt Rokko, a popular day trip and it happened to have an art festival. I’d planned to go for a long walk through a forest in Osaka. But these involved long 2-3 hour public transport journeys and I decided to scale down the activities because I simply didn't have the energy. This is what I ended up doing instead.
ANOTHER OSAKA TRIP (WITH OUTFITS)
DAY 1
It was raining so I tried to find indoor activities. I started with going to a cinema and watched Joyland, a Pakistani movie that was depressing as fuck but explored themes of repressed sexuality, living under patriarchy and transphobia. It was temporarily banned in Pakistan until some edits were made, but it won a bunch of awards internationally.
I thought it was going to be a joyful love story and there were a handful of those moments, but it was also heart-breaking. Oh and I don’t know Urdu (I know some Hindi) nor can I read Japanese that well, so I only understood snippets of the dialogue. However I did manage to piece together the whole plot with the little language skill I had! I double-checked my understanding on Wikipedia post-movie and felt quite proud about that.
I stopped for some dango and sencha to pass time while the rain got lighter, then had a quick walk through a nearby garden before heading to an art museum.
The National Museum of Modern Art in Osaka opens late on Friday and Saturday nights, plus does cheaper tickets then. I got lucky and the collection exhibit was free that day!
THE OUTFIT
Everything is thrifted from Mercari! The extra fine merino wool top is very fitted and slightly too small but I like that for turtlenecks. And the 100% cotton skirt is also a couple of centimetres too small, I have to wear it at my natural waist and it’s not great for bloated days. But overall I love the colours. Both were around 10 bucks or less, a fraction of their full price and new with tags.
DAY 2
I decided to head to Kyoto to check out another exhibition — LOVE Fashion: In Search of Myself — an exhibition in collaboration with the Kyoto Costume institute.
There were plenty of highlights but I think this was my absolute favourite. This was by Rei Kawakubo, founder of Comme des Garçons. It had so many elements that I love. Red, check. Dramatic sleeves, check. Fitted blazer, check. Knee-length culottes, check.
From the top floor of the museum, you can see the gate for the Heian shrine. I’ve been to the museum before for an amazing avant-garde pottery exhibition by the Sodeisha group but that day I had a packed itinerary and didn’t manage to see the shrine. So this time, I decided to check it out.
The shrine was under repairs so a lot of it had scaffolding. However I paid to go to the gardens which were truly beautiful. I thought this tree would be stunning to spend time drawing with all its visible branches spiralling outwards.
I met my partner in the evening. The whole reason I went to Osaka was because they were attending an event and I’m like if you’re already paying for a hotel room, I should tag along. We went to Sakishima Cosmo Tower Observatory. And if the view looks familiar, it’s because I already went solo earlier this year. Back then I had to watch all the couples being all cuddly, I decided that it was my turn.
THE OUTFIT
This was my outfit. The grey turtleneck is very old fast fashion. The shirt on top is by All Roads Design and the skirt is going to be featured in my next brand round up!
(Also I didn't wash my hair because I went to the sento in the late evening post-dinner).
DAY 3
We didn’t do much on the last day because we had a shinkansen to catch in the early evening and were lugging around our stuff all day. But we managed to leave things at the hotel for a few hours while we saw Sumiyoshi Taisha, another shrine. I really loved the Sorihashi Bridge even though it was a bit scary to climb (steep steps). I love how with the reflection, it looks like an eye.
After that, we went to a karaoke place where we ate fries and sang a maximum of 10 songs because we had to rush to the station.
OUTFIT
I forgot to take a proper outfit photo but here’s the me-half from a couple selfie with a thrifted top. Luckily I have another photo in the archives from when I first bought it.
I paired it with my denim skirt which makes an appearance at least once a week. Another photo from the archives for reference, and yes I know it needs a damn iron!
THINGS I’VE BEEN WATCHING + READING
Whenever I’m feeling low, I reach towards old favourites like Pride and Prejudice. After watching the 6-part BBC series, I found a murder mystery series called Death Comes to Pemberley which obviously could not match the original series, but I still enjoyed it. Now I’m re-reading the book.
I watched One Piece fan letter — I watch very few anime series, but this is one that I’ve stuck with and this episode was complete fan service. I watched it twice!
Agatha All Along, I watched this for one person and one person only, Sasheer Zamata. I loved her presence on SNL and look I don’t care if it’s the parasocial speaking, but she seems to have such a warm presence.
The day after Osaka, I knew I needed rest. But I also didn’t want to stay at home where I’d end up scrolling on my phone, then feel like I got nothing done and not feel nourished.
Instead I went to a super sento, which I’ll be telling you all about in a future newsletter.
As always, in gratitude,
Sushmita