HOT FAT Summer PT 1

Stressing about a swimsuit! #EFF 21

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be doing summer centric issues from swimwear recs (new brands are being added to the directory!), discussing body image and tips to survive the heat.

Earlier this month I went on a beach trip with a friend to Chiba’s Boso Peninsula. I know that I don’t post as often on social media as other creators, but I’m always thinking about creating content.

Sometimes I really love having a photo log, a collection of memories of the past, reminders of times with friends, great food, great exhibitions, outfits.

Sometimes I find that constantly taking photos creates digital clutter, stressful like physical clutter, where there is so much information that I can’t imagine organising it all (inbox zero is not going to happen for me).

Sometimes I find taking photos detracts from the moment. I try to get photos ‘out of the way’ quickly so I can focus on enjoying myself.

Sometimes I find the quest for a great photo which in my mind needs to be backed up by a great outfit which creates a lot of pressure.

This pressure is amplified by body image insecurities. When I’m alone, when I make art from my body and from diverse bodies, I feel so far from insecure. I feel like I’m wading in a sea of fleshy beauty. But when faced with the public gaze or being around others, I get lost in the fear of being perceived, of being seen and judged for living in a fat body.

Having a beach trip felt like a test. I wanted to be the hot fat person, wearing a hot swimsuit with hot photos. I wanted to relish living in my body as it is, not shy away from these spaces even if I felt self-conscious.

I own two swimsuits. One is buried within the piles of boxes back in Australia. My childhood bedroom is a mix of things from growing up, from what I sent over from the UK and serves as a general storage room for my parents. The other is old fast fashion that I bought in 2019 which is really the only one I have immediate access to.

The colour (maroon) is nice but that’s where it ends. The top gapes and the padded breast area looks odd with so much empty space.

So I decided to buy a new swimsuit. After delaying confirming where/when the trip was going to happen, I started to frantically look up brands to make a last minute purchase.

With 10 days until the trip, I purchased a cute swim skirt and top, both on sale. Since my trousers from the US arrived in a handful of days, I was optimistic. As the trip started to inch closer, I realised that it might not come in time.

Then I started to panic. The day before, I spent a few hours out with a friend and even though I have a general ‘no-phone out with friends’, I excused myself several times to double check if it was coming.

The day I left for my trip, the package was still in LA.

A TEST OF ETHICS VS. BODY IMAGE ANXIETY

I found out that my partner’s board shorts fit me and together with the swimsuit, I felt more comfortable but I certainly didn’t feel in touch with my style or body. So I went to the shops.

I haven’t bought from majority fashion stores in years. But now I felt that sense of urgency that I think a lot of people do when talking about needing fashion. It wasn’t that I actually needed it, but the feeling of desperation was still there.

First I went to an outdoor chain store called Oshman’s. There was nothing in my size. And I truly mean nothing. They purposely did not stock larger sizes. How do I know?

Because later that evening, I went to Ito Yokado. It’s actually a department store owned by 7/11 but they appeal to families so I was hopeful that they’d carry a larger range of sizes. And they did. In fact they had the exact same brand as Oshman’s (FILA) but just more sizing.

Now onto the styles. In Japan, swimwear is a lot more modest. There were no bikinis. Just rashguards, one pieces, shorts and long tankini tops. Often in sets with a beach cover up too. And it was expensive. Most sets were between 10,000-15,000 yen (with the yen being weak, that’s around 60-95USD). I didn’t want to drop that much money again and I didn’t want to buy a swim set that covered every part of my body.

I umm-ed and erred in the store. It’s not like the new swimwear looked that good either. The sizing was more diverse but in the styles I wanted, the fabric clung to the skin in a way I knew it was too-small. It didn’t feel good against my body, it all felt too tight.

I was stuck between panicking about how I would be perceived, how parts of my body that didn’t fit the ‘fat model aesthetic’¹ would be seen and panicking about buying fashion that didn’t set well with my values.

After a lot of deliberation, I stepped away. The problem was that even if I did invest in a brand new swimsuit just to make me feel slightly better, I might not wear it again since I had already invested in one that I really thought I’d love (spoiler alert, it’s since arrived and it was absolutely the right decision).

This week includes vulnerable photos/brands recs so the next part is behind a paywall. There are no affiliate links. Don’t forget I’m open to mutual memberships/barters if you’re a fellow writer, creator or maker.